My grandpa's gotten worse. He's got pneumonia now. All the adults are freaking out.
And I'm STILL not allowed to see him.
What do I DO? My father and grandma and aunt are all the hospital; my brothers are at school; my mum and I are alone here at home.
My mum seems to be fiddling around in the kitchen so as to have some sort of distraction; I'm at the computer listening to Sheikh Mishary al-Afasy's recitation of various surahs... my mind is blank, so I don't know which surah I should be listening to, which would give me the most comfort...
You know, this still seems so unreal. I can't believe that my grandpa is in hospital, breaths away from death. I haven't seen him since the heart attack. I can't imagine him helpless in the hospital bed.
All I can think of is how I saw him last - saying salaam to me on Sunday night as we left to go home, big and warm and smiling as I slung an arm around him in farewell, my mind half-distracted by something else, some trivial thing.
Will I never hug him again, hear him call me 'princess' again, smell him again? I love his smell... a mixture of cigarette smoke and 'itr (perfume) and his own unique smell... it's the smell that's always made me feel good since I was a spoiled little kid... Will I never lean against him as we watch the news together, or a cowboy movie, or one of those old elegant movies he used to love to watch?
Oh God, I'm crying...
I know that death is a natural part of life... that it happens to all of us... this isn't my first encounter with it, either - in my old city, I went to a couple janaazahs (funerals) of people we knew (actually, people my dad knew), and I always felt uncomfortable because I knew I should feel sad but I didn't really feel sad 'cuz their deaths didn't really affect me... and now... my grandfather! The only grandfather I know, 'cuz my mom's parents live in South Africa and I've never seen them.
I've been Dada's spoiled little girl since we first moved here to Canada... even when, a couple years ago, I had a crisis and things were pretty horrible for several months, and he was terribly disappointed in me, I was still his little princess... and now, he could very well be gone forever.
What would life without him be like?
No. I won't think of that now. I'll deal with it when it happens. For now... for now... oh God, I don't WHAT I should do for now, besides pray and trust in God...
Oh God, all I want to do before he dies is see him and hug him and smell him again...
You know what's scary? That I might never see him again, either in this world or in the Next. What if he goes to Heaven, but I don't?
Oh God, please, please, please...
I am cold. So cold. After crying, I feel empty and cold. And hungry.
Is this normal?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Posted by AnonyMouse at 10:54 AM