Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Oh, God.

My grandpa's gotten worse. He's got pneumonia now. All the adults are freaking out.

And I'm STILL not allowed to see him.

What do I DO? My father and grandma and aunt are all the hospital; my brothers are at school; my mum and I are alone here at home.
My mum seems to be fiddling around in the kitchen so as to have some sort of distraction; I'm at the computer listening to Sheikh Mishary al-Afasy's recitation of various surahs... my mind is blank, so I don't know which surah I should be listening to, which would give me the most comfort...

You know, this still seems so unreal. I can't believe that my grandpa is in hospital, breaths away from death. I haven't seen him since the heart attack. I can't imagine him helpless in the hospital bed.
All I can think of is how I saw him last - saying salaam to me on Sunday night as we left to go home, big and warm and smiling as I slung an arm around him in farewell, my mind half-distracted by something else, some trivial thing.

Will I never hug him again, hear him call me 'princess' again, smell him again? I love his smell... a mixture of cigarette smoke and 'itr (perfume) and his own unique smell... it's the smell that's always made me feel good since I was a spoiled little kid... Will I never lean against him as we watch the news together, or a cowboy movie, or one of those old elegant movies he used to love to watch?

Oh God, I'm crying...

I know that death is a natural part of life... that it happens to all of us... this isn't my first encounter with it, either - in my old city, I went to a couple janaazahs (funerals) of people we knew (actually, people my dad knew), and I always felt uncomfortable because I knew I should feel sad but I didn't really feel sad 'cuz their deaths didn't really affect me... and now... my grandfather! The only grandfather I know, 'cuz my mom's parents live in South Africa and I've never seen them.

I've been Dada's spoiled little girl since we first moved here to Canada... even when, a couple years ago, I had a crisis and things were pretty horrible for several months, and he was terribly disappointed in me, I was still his little princess... and now, he could very well be gone forever.

What would life without him be like?

No. I won't think of that now. I'll deal with it when it happens. For now... for now... oh God, I don't WHAT I should do for now, besides pray and trust in God...

Oh God, all I want to do before he dies is see him and hug him and smell him again...

You know what's scary? That I might never see him again, either in this world or in the Next. What if he goes to Heaven, but I don't?

Oh God, please, please, please...

...

I am cold. So cold. After crying, I feel empty and cold. And hungry.

Is this normal?

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have patience, sister.

I have but one living grandparent left, living in India. My dadi was living with us when she passed away; it was a difficult few weeks for me and my family. But in our hearts, we all felt that Allah was honouring her as she was an extremely pious woman during her lifetime. She passed away on the last day of Ramadhan a few years ago, after an entire month of tahajjud and fasting. It was hard for us to accept at the time, but in time we realized that she was in better hands.

May Allah grant shifa to your grandfather and patience to your entire family. Our hearts and prayers are with all of you.

Molly said...

What if he goes to Heaven, but I don't?

Absolutely, positively NO chance of that!

And yes, Mouse, it is perfectly normal. I felt the same way when my grandmother died.

Molly said...

I hope that makes you feel better, Mouse. And one more thing, you will always always, have him inside your heart.

Anonymous said...

As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatuAllah

dear sister, you are in my du'aas.

Remember the ayah: Fasbir sabran Jamila

Be patient! of course all of this is normal sister-just make the best of it and make lots of du'aa.

may Allah give you and your family ease, patience and taqwa to deal with this situation, ameen.

your sister,

RoH

Christian Sunni said...

Hey Mousey,

I'm so sorry! It is normal to feel this way though, I felt that way after my dad died.

I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taysiir said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taysiir said...

Have faith in Allah, and the doctors as well, Everything will be alright little one =D

Anonymous said...

Mouse, i have not encountered true grief in my life just yet as Allah, by His Grace and Mercy, has not taken the soul of anyone i have been close to thus far. Even my grandmother who passed away this year, as i did not see her very often. May Allah have mercy on her.

Thus i cannot advise you on what is "normal" - and i think everyone grieves in different ways.

Trust in Allah is all i can say because no-one else can help you. Not even us, your sisters and brothers, though we try to comfort you, we can do nothing to soothe your heart. This is for Allah, in whom's Hands our souls and hearts are, and He alone can grant ease and comfort at times of distress.

Show a tiny amount of sabr for the sake of Allah and copious amounts of sabr will be poured onto you from above. Patience breeds patience.

Make sure you eat well and stay healthy. Your family needs you just as much as you need them, OK?

None of us are guaranteed Jannah, and none of us can earn it, but we can pray and pray and cry to our Lord for it till our last breath. Your wish to see your grandfather again will be one more reason to hold tightly onto the rope of Allah so that your final words may be la illaha illallah. In this way, this trial may be a favour to you from Allah to ensure you die upon tawheed. How merciful is our Rabb that even sadness can be a means of ever-lasting happiness for us!

Hugs and Salaams

kimya said...

Salaams, Miss Mouse

Of course its normal that you feel this way, and my heart reaches out to you in this time of sadness..
May Allah grant you and your loved ones the strength you need to stand by your grandfather during this testing time. May his suffering be eased as soon as possible only with good health and continued physical independence. And may the Almighty only make him return to his rightful place in Jannah when He is pleased with him having completed all his duties here on earth. To Him is our return.

Ma'salaama

Anonymous said...

I'd like to share this with you:
http://odd-wisdom.blogspot.com/2006/11/death-is-certain.html

muslimah4life said...

hunger is normal
go eat clodhoppers